My Day With James Bond
by Father Hulk
Summary: The Russians have put bombs in the new Playstation 3's that are being shipped to NJ, and they plan to wipe the state off the map. James sets off to stop them, and then I get tangled up in it and we stop them together. RR please! Incomplete
1. The Mission Begins

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My Day With James Bond

By Father Hulk

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A/N: Sooo, here we go again, my children! My first Bond fic, and I hope you like it! The Bond here is Roger Moore, because he's my favorite of all of them. R/R please! Or I'll throw my hat at you!

It was mid-day at the London Center for Video Entertainment Testing, and the Chief Tester was getting his team together to test the latest hardware.

"Sir?" said one of his subordinates, "The shipment of Playstaion 3's has arrived."

"Splendid. Bring them in." He turned to his men. "All right boys, to the testing room."

They entered a room which resembled a living room, with a beat up sofa facing a TV, and beer cans and pizza boxes all over the place. On purpose, of course.

A man in a white coat brought in a sparkling new Playstation 3, and putting on his safety glasses, connected the Audio/Video inputs and put the TV on line. "I've got thumbs up across the board," he said after he stepped back. "And Final Fantasy X-3 all ready to go. Do you wish to press power?"

"Go ahead," the chief said with a nod.

The instant the power button was pushed, the console exploded in a giant explosion that burst through the roof of the complex, and the fires burned up the whole building.

James Bond was in a hotel suite, making love to a beautiful woman. (**A/N: **_What else is new??)_

"Oh, James!" she whispered, "You're sooo good."

He kissed her and smiled. "Well, I do fancy myself somewhat knowledgeable in this field." He went to kiss her again when his watch buzzed.

"What was that?" she asked. The watch buzzed again, and James made a face. "Always at the worst times. Stay here, would you, darling?" He threw on a bathrobe and took the watch into the hallway, whereupon he pressed the button on the side. "Bond here. Go ahead."

"Bond?" It was M. "Bond we need you here at headquarters immediately."

James rolled his eyes. "Can't it wait, M?"

"No it can't. Get over here now!"

"Very well." James returned to the bedroom and started getting dressed.

"You're leaving? Now?" The woman asked, pouting.

"I'm sorry, my dear, but duty calls. Here, take this." He tossed her a twenty pound note.

"For me?" she asked.

"No. For the maid. She's going to have a hell of a time making up that bed." He kissed her on the cheek. "See you later, sweet." He picked up his briefcase and left the room, leaving a very disappointed woman behind.

***************************************

"Good morning, James." said Miss Moneypenny as James walked into the office. "He's expecting you."

James went into M's office, where he and the minister were waiting for him.

"Come in, 007." said M. "Sit down." James obeyed. M continued. "Four hours ago, the video game testing facility in London was demolished by a bomb. From the inside. And we believe that AGAG is behind it."

James raised his eyebrows. "AGAG, sir?"

"The Anti Game Activist Group. They're a Russian terrorist organization."

James chuckled to himself. "I don't see how being against video entertainment can be seen as terrorism."

"Well they bombed one of our facilities, didn't they? Doesn't that count?"

James smiled. "Sure."

M continued the briefing. "One of the staff at the facility was seen leaving the scene in a red sports car 20 minutes before the explosion. We believe he's in on it." He passed James a folder labeled, "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY." "His entire file is in there. We have been told he fled to New Jersey, in the United States. That's where you're off to. You're scheduled on the next flight out. Good luck, Bond."

Bond nodded. "Thank you, sir." He took the folder with him and left to go see Q.

"Right, now pay attention, 007..." said Q, Bond's weapons master, as he led him through the lab. "We have several new devices for you that are perfectly suited for your mission. First, your new car." He showed Bond a shiny, silver sports car. "All the bells and whistles, rocket launcher, ejector seat, torpedoes, and so on. And we've made this one _extra_ durable, since you'll be driving in New Jersey. Next, these!" He showed James several metal objects colored yellow and shaped like Pac-Man. "These are Pac-Men, as you can see. They can eat through anything." He pressed the open mouth against a metal plate, and the fluid secreted from inside burned a hole right through it. "Next, your watch." He presented Bond with a digital watch with a large screen. "It will detonate the small bombs we'll give you, plus:" Q pressed a button. "It can play Pac-Man, Dig Dug, and Galaxian."

"Well I'm sure I'll have a lot of time for that." Bond commented, strapping on the watch.

"Finally, we give you this." He presented Bond with an Atari Joystick. "It can control your car by remote. For sticky situations only, please."

"Well I hope it doesn't get sticky," Bond said, giving it a full 360 degree rotation. "Thanks, Q. I'm off."

******************************************

"Excuse me, how much is this?" asked a young man.

"$29.99." I replied with a yawn. It was just another boring day at the Bridgewater Mall's Gamestop store. People asking prices, buying systems and games, trading them in… same shit, different day.

"Hey, Paul!" shouted my boss from the back office.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"The reserve cards for the Playstation 3 are in. Put them out on the counter, will ya? The damn thing is being released on December 20th. That's in five days, kid!"

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you." I trudged into the office, snatched the stand with the cards on it, and went to place it on the counter.

All of a sudden, a man rushed into the store, leapt over the counter, and tried to snatch the cards from me. "For God's sake, boy, give me those cards!"

"Hey!" I cried, "Who the hell do you think you are?" I clung to the cards tightly.

"I'm British Secret Service. Now give me those cards!" He yanked them from my grip and dashed out of the store.

"Oh no you don't…" I seized my NES Zapper from under the counter and took off after him.

I found the man running down the left-side aisle. I ran after him, and when he saw me chasing him, he quickly switched aisles, but I tailed him. I was faster than him, and I was gaining. The man came up against a row of aisle vendors blocking his path, and he couldn't go around because there was too many people.

"I have you now." I said as I closed on him. But surprisingly, he jumped very high and landed on the roof of the first cart, and then he jumped from roof to roof, and catapulted himself down in the food court area. "Get back here!" I shouted at him, and I chased him through the food court.

He stopped at Chill's Ice Cream. "A large sugar cone, and NOW!" he ordered. They handed him the cone just as I reached him, and before I could reach out to grab him, he rubbed the ice cream in my eyes and dashed off. He jumped over a few tables and into the bathroom. After relieving himself, he pushed the door open, looked both ways, and then exited. That's where I hit him in the back of the head with the butt of my Zapper. He fell to his knees.

"Come on, get over here!" I growled fiercely. I sat him up hard against the wall. "Now just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" I thrust my Zapper in his face.

Surprisingly, the man began to chuckle. "Threatening me with a toy, son? I've seen those. They're used to shoot pixilated characters on TV screens."

"Not this model." I said, and I flipped a small switch by the trigger, and the reflective plastic insert inside the barrel slid down and a clicking sound could be heard. I pointed the gun at the bathroom door, and a bright green laser beam shot out and blew a hole in it. "This is one of our little toys," I told him. "Now, are you going to give me these cards back? Or am I going to have to treat _you_ like a pixilated character?"

"Now God damn it, boy, you listen to me!" he said furiously. "You can't sell any of these Playstation 3's!"

"And why not?"

"The Russians have put bombs in them! They're going to wipe New Jersey off the face of the earth."

"I don't believe you!"

The man reached into his shirt and pulled out a gun and turned it on me. "Believe me or not, it's true. Now you let me out of here _with_ these cards, right now." He stood up.

I lowered my Zapper. "Well, hell… if what you're saying is true, then I'm coming with you."

"I don't think so." he said, dusting himself off. "I can't have a whelp like you tagging along."

"But I promise I won't be a burden! I swear!"

The man looked at me, grumbled, and said, "Fine. But the minute you become a problem, I'm back going solo. Got it?"

"Yes, sir, Mr. …?"

"The name's Bond. James Bond."


	2. At the Chateau de Hood

"So where are we going?" I asked Bond as we cruised down the Garden State Parkway.

"Newark." he replied. "I've tracked the AGAG agent Enrico Paliniov to the Chateau de Hood. We have to find him and question him."

"Wicked. Hey can we stop at a 7-11? I want a can of soda."

"No need." Bond said with a smile. He pressed a button on the dashboard, and an ice cold can of Pepsi popped up out of my armrest.

"Awesome. What else can this thing do? Do you have a radio in here?"

"Yes, but not just any radio. It can find any song or broadcast being played on any station at any time. For example, watch this." He held down a button on the radio and said, "Bach's symphony in G." Classical music began playing on the radio.

"Let me try." I said, and I held down the button. "DMX, Ruff Ryder's Anthem." The radio began playing the requested song. Bond made a horrible face and said, "Do you actually listen to this?" I nodded.

Finally, we turned off at the exit that led into Newark, and we drove through the dark and dingy streets up to the Chateau de Hood.

"We'll park a few blocks away," Bond said.

"I'd advise against that," I warned him. "Especially in this town. Does your car have a good security system?"

"The best. Ah, here's a spot." He parked the car, and we got out and he activated the security system. I took out my travel bag, so it would look like we were really spending the night.

"Excuse me," Bond said to the guy at the front desk, "I was wondering if you could give me a bit of information." He produced a $100 bill.

"Run that!" the man exclaimed, snatching the bill. "Now what do you want?"

"We're looking for Enrico Paliniov. I heard he was checked in here."

The man pulled out a ratty old book that had all the people staying in it. He consulted it, and then he looked up and said, "He's in room 21."

"Thank you my friend." Bond said, and we both smiled at him and then went to the staircase.

The front desk guy watched us go up, then pulled out a walkie talkie. "Bond's here." he said into it. "And he's got help."

We approached room 21. Bond turned to me and said, "I don't think it would be wise for both of us to go in."

"I agree." I said, and then I reached in my travel bag and pulled out my Game Boy Advance SP.

"What is that for?" James asked.

"It looks like a Game Boy," I told him, "But it's really a video monitoring device. Here, put this hat on." I gave Bond a hat with a small feather in it. "The camera is inside the feather. Now, you go in and confront him, and I'll wait out here, and to passerby it will look like I'm playing video games, but I'll really be keeping an eye on you. If there's any trouble, I'll be right in."

Bond raised his eyebrows. "Another one of your little toys?"

"You got it."

Bond smiled, put the hat on, cocked his Walther PPK, and turned the doorknob. It was open, surprisingly. He stepped inside cautiously, and flipped the lights on. There was nobody inside. He went into the bathroom, but there was nobody there, nor was there anybody in the second bedroom. 

"Go through his things," I said into the Game Boy. He nodded, and went over to the desk, where a briefcase and a bunch of papers were. He was just beginning to shuffle through them when an arm put him in a headlock from behind. Bond grabbed the arm and flipped the offender over his head, and turned around. It was Enrico!

The two had a brutal fistfight, but I did not interfere since Bond could easily win a 1-on-1 fight. I kept watching. Enrico tried to pull a gun from his travel bag, but Bond kicked it out of his hand and elbowed him in the face. He then knocked him onto the bed and put the gun in his face.

"Okay!" Enrico whimpered, surrendering. "Okay! You've got me!"

"Yes, now tell me where the AGAG headquarters is!" Enrico continued to whimper and said nothing. "I said tell me!" Bond shouted, cocking his gun.

"All right, I'll tell you!" he said. "But may I smoke a cigarette?"

"Go on."

"Thank you." Enrico pulled out a silver lighter and as he went to light his cigarette, he pressed a red button on the bottom.

I sat outside, keeping my eyes on the screen, when two men in black suits came dashing up the stairs. They were all ready to kick the door down when they noticed me. 

"You, boy," they said in Russian accents, "Who are you?!"

"I am Paul, sirs, and I am of no importance to you. My father has gone down to the front desk, and I am simply keeping busy with a game of Pac-Man until his return."

They nodded, and then kicked the door down. But only the first guy made it into the room, because I had put the others' legs out with my Zapper. The first guy charged into the room and attacked Bond. I went in there too and so then it was me and Bond versus Enrico and the first backup guy. We fought, and the first guy knocked my Zapper out of my hand. Then he knocked me up onto the bed.

I couldn't get my Zapper, because the fight was in the middle, so I had another plan. I reached into my bag and pulled out a box of _Super Mario Bros._ and _Zelda_ cereal.

"What in the Devil do you plan to do with that?" Bond asked as he fought with the two guys.

"Just get up here on the bed!" I told him. He fought off Enrico, who was trying to put him in a headlock, and he jumped up on the bed. I took handfuls of the cereal and scattered it on the ground. Then I took out a small container of milk, and threw it all over the cereal. The pieces of cereal set off small but powerful explosions, and the first backup man was thrown against the wall, bleeding, and Enrico was vaulted up onto the bed.

"More toys?" James asked with a wry smiled. I nodded. Then James knelt down on the bed and picked up Enrico by the scruff of his neck. "Now you're going to tell us everything," he said, "Or I will ease your passing."

"O..K…" Enrico said, gasping for air, "The AGAG base is in Dunellen, off of exit…" he said no more, however, as a round object flew into the room and struck him in the head. He fell dead.

"What is this?" Bond wondered, picking it up. "It's a turtle shell!"

I whirled towards the door just in time to see a dark figure retreating down the hallway. I snatched the shell and dashed out into the hall. The figure was very far ahead of me, so I stood on top of the shell and fired my blaster at the back of it. The shell zoomed off down the hall, and I was riding on top of it, steering it around corners as the figure evaded me. But I was faster than he was, and finally he had no choice but to throw himself out of the second floor window. He landed in the back seat of a waiting car, which zoomed off.

James came running up the hallway and caught up with me by the window. "Nice work, kid," he said, catching his breath. "Usually they get killed before they tell me the name of the city. We got lucky."

"Yes. Now let's get out of here." We dashed out of the hotel, not noticing that the front desk guy was absent.


End file.
